Amy

"Together we grew up in the countryside—me, my sister and Ben, our younger brother. Ben loved being outside on his bike, was fascinated by nature and loved to play ‘armies’. Like so many kids his age, Ben was always active and very sporty. He attended all sorts of clubs: gymnastics, judo and swimming.  

As we grew up, we began to each go our own way. I got married and started a family, Ben was a brilliant uncle, always making the children laugh – our kids adore him.  

Ben was 39 when he died. My little brother gone. He had lost his life to drugs. His mental health was always a concern, and getting professional support was so challenging. We were trapped in a revolving door of mental health services, because of his drug use.  

It was during Covid when Ben’s mental health deteriorated. He had a psychosis episode at home. Covid cut him off from family and services, and this is when things began to spiral and get out of control.  

It’s been three years since we lost our brother. I find myself still thinking about him and regularly consider the ‘what ifs’: could I have done more? In a weird way I was almost prepared for this to happen as I would often have calls from Ben in the middle of the night to help with one thing or another. It became harder to shock me, and I stopped answering my phone after a certain time each night. It’s hard not to feel guilty, but there is also a feeling of relief, knowing he doesn’t have to wrestle with his head every minute of every day.  

My experience, though, has taught me that this could happen to anyone. No one chooses to get addicted to drugs. There is still so much stigma attached to drug and alcohol misuse. If someone breaks their leg, people hold the door open for them, carry their stuff. But if someone is high on drugs they are judged and avoided.  

I want to remember Ben, and to raise awareness of The Matthew Project and the support they offer; we have benefited from this as a family since Ben died. I also want to humanize those who have died from drug and alcohol misuse. They are someone’s brother, sister, mum, dad, son, daughter—someone’s loved one!"